The Female Saga

Mother, Sweet Mother of Mine

A mother’s love is God’s substitute on earth. Seldom do we realize it, taking her for granted. Only when I turned mother did I realize where my mother figured in my life. One press of the motherhood button and my mind flashbacked one after another all the experiences that connected me with my mother. Today, I stand tall as a mother united with her in spirit and soul.

I remember writing my first Mother’s Day article way back in 2002 for a woman’s magazine. I also remember the look in my mother’s eyes as she read the article. I am grateful to the Almighty for inspiring me to express my love for mother when she was alive. Many of us are not so fortunate. In fact, even today, when my mother is no longer alive I still have a lot of things to say to her which I felt I could have told her when she was alive.

I wonder whether I could have asked for more. From infant to adult, from daughter to wife to mother, she has always been there for me. We shared emotions as wives and then as mothers and there could have been no better friend, something only a kind God could bestow upon a daughter. Today, when I want to tell her that I love her more than I ever love anybody else, she is not here to hear me. She is not here to feel the unconditional love I feel for her now- something I had wrapped within my soul showing it to her in bits and pieces when she was alive.

Way back in Bangalore when the weather was cool and pleasant, with little pollution and no sign of any software boom to explode in our tranquil lives, my mother’s life was centered on me. Even to the extent of being teased for being so protective about me, she built her life around me. I still remember her help me put on my red cardigan everyday in the cold Bangalore morning, handing me my lunch box filled with something delicious (which I sometimes can’t manage to cook for my own son!), standing near the gate and waving to me with the usual words, ”Dhyaan se jaana beta.” (Go carefully child!).  As I recollect it all life comes to a standstill with me wondering, ‘is this life, to be lived in memories of the past?’ Today, when I want to share my little joys and frustrations with her, I feel lost.

When my son remembers his Naani ( my mother and my son’s grandmother) and cries I console him telling him that God has been kind to give him a grandmother who lived so long just for him. I never got to see any of my grandparents! I tell him that Naani loved him so that is why she was there for him.
“Then, why is she not there now if she loves me so much?” he asks in return.
What can I say? I tell him that Naani needed some rest, which she could get only with God. Had she been alive she would have had to cook and do so many other innumerable little tasks. Child that he is, he gets convinced and goes about his way. But, I can’t say the same for me. Even years after her demise, I grieve in installments – in the kitchen, in the bathroom, when nobody is around. I grieve alone.

Grief will not bring her back again as she roams about in her astral form exploring new worlds even as she tries to free herself from the bonds of her past. By grieving will I be holding on to her freedom trail, I wonder. I have no answers. So, I wrap my love for her in my heart again tied with pretty strings of fresh flowers and a gentle breeze to be opened when I see her again some day, in a life beyond….

17 thoughts on “Mother, Sweet Mother of Mine

  1. Your article has made me get into a pondering mode about life. There’s a lump in my throat and hopefully, you can understand why. I’m really moved.

  2. Shail, I enjoyed reading this post. We rarely stop to think about what our mothers mean to us till we try to reach out and find them no longer around. The vacuum is unimaginable.

  3. Yesterday I was telling my kids about my grand mother who used to take care of us during vacation and the wonderful time we had there .

    When I told them that she passed away when she became old , they started to cry . Not for my grand mother but for their grand parents or my parents . Thinking that they will also soon get old. That is their major worries nowadays.

    I realise what you feel . Here I am waiting for my mother to come from office so that she will take charge of the kids for a while . (They live near by and drop in often especially during vacation ).
    I will sure keep this post in mind . Because as any other loving daughter – months we often end up in silly fights. Mainly for her over caring . I know, that I shud not take it for granted . And that she is the only one in this world who cares for me unconditionally .

  4. Hi Krishna, I know. It is difficult to explain to our children about emotions like these. Like you mentioned, when mother and daughter get together there are bound to be arguments. But, nothing is kept in the heart. I miss all that unconditional interaction!

  5. Sometimes in life some relationships are the only memories we want keep forever.
    Just that time will not permit it.
    good post.

  6. Its beautiful…one life is not enough to express our feeling towards our mother and no words are enough too. 🙂

  7. Oh this brought tears to my eyes, Shail. So terribly sorry… but you know what? It really is awesome that you got to express your emotions for your mom and she read it when you could see her reaction. Priceless!!! Take care… and your explanation to your son was just perfect.

  8. Was missing her so much and read your article again……………..!
    Sometimes one has no words.

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